I was looking at facebook

I was looking at facebook and a number of my friends have signed up for Sarahah which is an app that allows people to anonymously tell you what they really think about you. I am not going to sign up for Sarahah because I don’t hate myself, and I won’t tell Shelley Cunningham that she is lazy and has a bad attitude because I’m a good person.

I was looking at facebook and my friend had posted a photo of a painting he made. The painting was very colorful and showed a loosely rendered figure with an abstracted indian headdress on its head. I will be the first to stand up on facebook and say that I FIND THE CULTURAL APPROPRIATION OF EAGLES HIGHLY PROBLEMATIC.

I was looking at facebook in the “Women of Comedy in Chicago” group page. There was a posting for a director of photography to collaborate on a short film. There were zero comments. Underneath it there was a posting asking for recommendations on the best natural deodorant. There were 65 comments. Pit Paste. Pit Paste in lavender is the best natural deodorant.

I was looking at facebook and scrolled past an ad to win a wine tasting trip with Jennifer Lawrence. Jennifer Lawrence: I used to like her but now I hate her*!

I was looking at facebook and so many of my friends complain about getting harassed when they walk down the street. And literally you guys, I like, never get harassed! Like why aren’t I hot enough to get harassed? Haha just kidding I get harassed ALL the time ;)

I was looking at facebook and found out that Chuck Berry had died, and I’ve always loved Back to the Future, so I posted a video of his music on my feed. Then the internet came out of my computer, and made me sit in the bathtub while cold water rained down on me from the shower-head. “Do you know that music likes to pee on you?!” I said, “Oh, I didn’t know-” “FUCK YOU!!!!”

I was looking at facebook and saw a picture posted by my ex-lover of his new girlfriend eating a cheeseburger, and then in the caption he put the emoji face with the heart eyes. And I’m like, “c’mon! I like cheeseburgers too ya know!!” And then I threw up.

I was looking at facebook at a picture I really like of myself, and then my mom commented on it and I got embarrassed and I took it down.

I was looking at facebook and came across some pictures of two of my co-workers. They met less than a year ago and now she is pregnant and they are engaged and the wedding is in two weeks. They eat lunch in the office together every day and I see them commute together in the morning and evening because we ride the same train. I wonder what it’s like to live in such close proximity to the same person all day every day.
UPDATE: THEY HAVE BOTH BEEN FIRED!!

I was looking at facebook on my friends’ account so I could see the profile of someone who blocked me and I feel completely vindicated for that time I publicly humiliated them because they are clearly so comfortable publicly humiliating themselves on the internet on a daily basis. JK JK! I live in a constant state of shame for how I handled my emotions, and I feel a lot of guilt over the demise of our friendship.

I was looking at facebook because it was my birthday. 87 friends posted on my wall, but you know, honestly? That kind of stuff doesn’t matter so much anymore. Now that I’m thirty I don’t worry about anything! I finally feel free from all of that baggage from my twenties. I take care of myself. I have a dog. I run in the morning. I eat seasonal fruit. I have salads for lunch. I do 15 pushups every day. I don’t even drink that much anymore. When I look back at myself in my twenties, I can’t believe how scattered and disorganized I was. Now that I’m thirty I am able to budget my time so that I have time! It’s so important to budget your time to live in the moment. Living in the present allows me the freedom from dissecting my past regrets. I have also finally let go of all the foolish goals I set for myself in my younger days. I can now truly accept myself for who I am and not pine for the me I wish I was. I don’t even want to get married anymore! I am a modern woman, and I don’t need to be chained in by the patriarchal concept of marriage and support and unconditional love! I love myself! You don’t even need anybody else in your life as long as you love yourself. And that’s what I’ve learned since turning thirty- I am my own soulmate, and I live each day with my heart open for me. It’s not open for anyone else, because now that I’m thirty I know that only I am capable of not taking advantage of myself. It feels so good to finally have it all figured out.

I was looking at facebook and scrolled past a headline about how Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney transplant so that Selena wouldn’t die. Selena Gomez: I used to like her but now I hate her*!

I was looking at facebook and someone posted a video of Hillary during the campaign of 2016 speaking on the ill-effects of hate speech, because what she was saying in the video had come to pass in the present Trump presidency. I looked down at the comments, and everyone was like, “GET BACK IN YOUR HOLE, you stupid BITCH!!!!!!!” And the unadulterated anger made me laugh, and I told my mom about it and she got very sad and cried a little.

I was looking at facebook and I disagreed with someone’s opinion that they stated as a fact and then I judged them in my mind and then I almost called them out on their feed and then I almost unfriended them and then I told a friend in real life about it and they were bored with the story so we changed the subject and then we had a good time together.

*I don’t actually hate Jennifer Lawrence or Selena Gomez.

Which Animal Matches your Flirting Personality? Read on to find out!

Orgyia antiqua Moth (Vapourer)

A caterpillar hatches from an egg and crawls around for a while and one day hunkers down and weaves himself (or herself) into a sleeping bag called a "cocoon." After some time passes, the caterpillar emerges from his (or her) cocoon as a moth. In this case the boy moth has wings and flies around and the girl moth stays by the husk of her cocoon, sticks her butt into the air, and emits smells called pheromones- this action is known as "calling." When the boy moth catches a big whiff that sends his dick into hyperspace he zooms down and makes sweet sweet love to his flightless female version of himself. But once they turn into moths this liaison has to happen very fast because neither can eat while they are in this stage of their lives and some of the girl moths starve to death after calling and calling and no one comes to answer and some of the boy moths starve to death flying through the air smelling their hearts out but nothing catching and they die alone forever calling into the empty twilight.

Frigate Bird

A frigate bird is the truest pirate. They can’t swim because their feathers are not waterproof and will pull them into the sea like a cloth hand too heavy and wet to expel them. Walking is not much better because they have stubby little sticks for legs that are better for tripping than strolling. But in flight they will not stop for months gliding through the days along invisible jet streams that guide them fortnight after fortnight, ocean over ocean. Sometimes they take a hiatus from this nomadic life and come towards each other on tiny islands where the boy birds wait in the trees inflating their red hearts to the size of watermelons and unveil the soft feathers beneath their wings. Their tender hearts and bellies lay exposed against the discerning eyes of the lady frigates circling overhead as they observe the lovers at their most vulnerable, choosing which giant red juicy heart will be theirs for the taking.

Trombidiidae, (Red Velvet Mite)

The red velvet mite hatches from his egg in the form of a baby larva. Baby larva at first must find a surrogate being to hitch a ride on because although he’s just a little velvet babe he is also a baby parasite. And so he finds a cricket or a grasshopper to live on until he has grown the final two of his eight legs. He then burrows underneath the ground breathing softly, his eight legs cozy in the soft warm dirt until a rain dampens the earth and signals his emergence. Our mite begins to plant a trail of substance called “spermatophore.” Spermatophore is “a protein capsule containing a mass of spermatozoa,” and spermatozoa is the long form word for the traditional “sperm” as we know it. He thoughtfully makes his way through a glen or a mysterious bramble or along a brooke with a view, leaving a loving trail of spermatophore for his mate to discover. When our Lady Velvet finds that she enjoys the spermatophore she sits on top of it and absorbs it into her body. Sometimes it is not our Lady Velvet that finds the spermatophore but another mite of the male sex. When this happens the boy mite follows the trail of dew vanquishing each piece and depositing his own in its place until he finds the trail’s founder and ends him, taking the crown upon his own head for all time.

easter breakfast for single royals

In between building your master amazon wishlist of business attire socks and baby gates, replicating all of the apartments of your past in the sims, and googling "how to be a good dog mom," take the time to eat easter breakfast. I used the extra egg whites from the hollandaise to contribute to the puny quailsters- it's a cheat-hack-win/win!

tomorrow cannot be nigh fast enough

Sometimes letting go feels like diving in. I fry these three small quail eggs and put them on top of beans and cheese. I'm saving up for the zen garden in neko atsume. Every day I make a detailed list of all the ways money leaves me. I look at a 4" x 6" scale drawing of my new apartment for fifty-eight minutes every day while I'm at work. I make lists of my belongings. I draw different ways of arranging my plants in front of their new windows. I look at blue velvet chaise lounges on the internet. I argue with the UPS customer service representative for not delivering my package on time. I get my money back. I talk to my mom on the phone twice a week. I put lavender oil on my wrists and neck. I read about the cellular make up of plant stems. I think about making out with boys in elevators and European squares and in my kitchen. I want tomorrow so badly to deliver me to May.

oh boy oh boy oh boy

are these three things the meaning of life? let's hope so.

DON'T PANIC CHICKEN

Making the decision to consciously take in more protein on a daily basis is one of the most important decisions a young lady can make, and the chicken is a beautiful way to sustain a protein habit for many days indeed. Perhaps you have a growing insecurity because of a gushing financial bleed, or maybe you have a yearning to galavant around town with friends 700 miles away; no matter the force that calls you, a chicken serves as a marvelous companion in times of self doubt.

this week on Otter Royals: apple tart again and again until you get a job it right

fuck bath product stores
fuck establishments of higher education
fuck property management companies
fuck actuarial recruiters
fuck italian hair salons
fuck e-commerce marketplaces

and fuck doctors and fuck street photographers

fuck carpenter/bartenders and fuck bass players

because one day you'll look back on all of this and laugh HAHAHAHAhahahahaHAHAHAhahah it's so fucking funny!