home for the weekend

or how to retreat to the suburbs.

big boy: First thing when you get home to your parent's house is to re-create your brother's signature cocktail, the Big Boy. It's imperative that it comes in a very specific beveled beer mug (shown below). Fill the vessel with ice. Pour in your vodka. I'd say up to the middle of the second bevel. Add seltzer water up to the 3rd bevel. Splash in some grapefruit juice, or a lime. There you go Big Boy.

fishies besties

little known fact is tillops and chinookers are besties fishies friendZ. I keep them huddled in this leek pile, and drizzled over orange tangerang sauce. lip smack yum!

ingrates 4 tangerang saucers

3 fresh squeezed citrus bombs
1/2 cup dry vino blank

simma til it goos down, pour over everything you ever eat until the end of timeZzzz!!!!!

caw! your friends over cawleyflower

in the skilly fry fry the cawley in a hint of olly oilZ until slightly burnies. in the food professor spinner go some gahlicky roast peppies and two hunkos of tofutties. mix round in the skilly with some saltZ y peppos. yum you guys, serious yummos.

strawberry rhubarb pie

Going strong about 3 Big Boys in I mean you weren't going to leave without having dessert, and you even made your own crust, also with vodka because science, specifically that alcohol evaporates, so if you use too much liquid your crust will still turn out light and flaky, and because you listen to a lot of npr, specifically this one time around Thanksgiving when they featured that woman with the heavy voice talking about all the different meats, she really emphasized the "-Ts" the meaTs, you know? and now you're juicing oranges, and mixing the fruits with the sugar and the juice, and the pie crust seems delicate, it was easier than you thought it would be to make, and you plop everything in the pan, and lattice the dough, it falls apart a little so you pinch it back together like the pros do, you're definitely not going to drive an hour and pay 10$ in tolls after you bake this pie to see your old friend/fling whatever there's no language for people anymore these days, you're definitely going to stay home and watch some tv on your parent's couch, definitely not going to smoke cigarettes on his front porch, because you quit smoking, and you have a really strong will, you're just going to stay right here and fall asleep in your bed, maybe kind of lonely, but you'll be just fine, you're definitely not a crazy person who needs to be around people all the time, definitely not going to get to your friends' house, have a chit chat and then tell him you don't want to sleep with him that you're just a crazy lonely person who wants to feel validated, you're not going to turn him down, and then scoot right back around and drive home, and you're definitely not going to contemplate that you've constructed a pattern here, or let the irony that you hate being alone yet couldn't be more single, single for so long, on your own, why why why, everyone seems to have it together and everyone is together kissing and fucking and making babies together all day and all night, well you just refuse to settle, but all of those settling folks seem mighty happy, especially at this hour, I mean you're definitely not letting that come into your little brain you're just going to stay right here at home fall asleep before the sun comes up, not gonna watch the light change, not gonna drink one more Big Boy on the deck, watching all the green textures appear from the darkness, you'll be fast asleep, tucked in safe and sound, you're ok you know you are ok you aRE OK.

veggy boigas

ingrates:

1 small fri sweetums tot
1/4 cup dry quinies
1/4 cup dry bar bar oatey dotes
15-ouncers canno chickadee beenz
2 tabl-a-spoons paisley taster
1 teaspoon cayenne peppies
1 or 2 coupla dashers Mamoun's zippy hots
1 1/2 teaspoon cummin
1/2 teaspoon sal sal
1/2 teaspoon peppies
2 tabl-a-spoons flowers
2 tabl-a-spoons O'live oilz
1 fresh red peppies

sometimes when I'm shopping in the store I find an exotic delicacy and this time it was the majestic Okinawan Sweetums Tot. so I nabbed that small fri in my bin and procured all the other little tasties for my boigas. I cooked the tot in the oven baker and then just kind of forgot about it in my fridge for coupla 2 tree days, until I ran out of frozen pizza and needed to cook something.

so then you cook down your quinies and your oatey dotes until they're fluffin mcguffined, just kind of set them in a bowl somewhere in the expanse of your kitchen. likewise cook down those red peppies in your oven baker for ten minnies so they get nice and roasty.

in the food professor you got your sweetums, your chickadees, your paislies, your 1-2-3fecta peppies. You got your zippy hots, your cumin seeds, your sal sal, the flouw, and the O'live oilz. the food professor goes nom nom nom roundy poundy, it's all mixed up. combine with the grains in a bowl with a spatula.

if you're like me and you chose to purchase the most giant Okinawan Tot, your patties are gon be all soggers. so I mixed in some panko and that helped. live and learn ok, no bodies perf.

ok so then fri fri up in your pan golden toasty style!

*original recipe from Pop Sugar

this week on Otter Royals: a retrospective horoscope-The May Edition

your ego is running wild this month, virgo. the empowered feeling you have is a selfish illusion. you know you are being careless. it feels good to be selfish. you're probably a terrible person, but it's only because you don't know how to set boundaries. you know it's time to build a wall but the beastly parts of you are ravenous to see what will rise to meet you down the road. go ahead, eat your fucking ice cream. you'll learn.

pinterested southwest salad

make this salad and bring it to work. order take out instead of eating it.

dress de avocado

in the food professor mix avocado, O'live oilz, a hand tear of cilantro, jugo de lime, y gahlic clovers. hit spinner go round. genmanly pour into container, be careful it's chunkers, so put a catch plate under to eliminate waste, you know sustainability ever hear of it? I mean the goddamn Baiji Dolphins are extinct, do your fuckin' part!

salmon salad surprise!: an homage to Ollie Hopnoodle

make a sandwich with salmon, radish, lem dilly craym chaizies, and lettuce on sourdough toasties. throw a temper tantrum and throw it in the street. you've done it!

lem dilly craym chaize

in a food professor squeeze some lem lem juicers, cutteroni some dilly leafers and chunk in your craym chaizies. press the button for the spinner go.