I was looking at facebook

I was looking at facebook and a number of my friends have signed up for Sarahah which is an app that allows people to anonymously tell you what they really think about you. I am not going to sign up for Sarahah because I don’t hate myself, and I won’t tell Shelley Cunningham that she is lazy and has a bad attitude because I’m a good person.

I was looking at facebook and my friend had posted a photo of a painting he made. The painting was very colorful and showed a loosely rendered figure with an abstracted indian headdress on its head. I will be the first to stand up on facebook and say that I FIND THE CULTURAL APPROPRIATION OF EAGLES HIGHLY PROBLEMATIC.

I was looking at facebook in the “Women of Comedy in Chicago” group page. There was a posting for a director of photography to collaborate on a short film. There were zero comments. Underneath it there was a posting asking for recommendations on the best natural deodorant. There were 65 comments. Pit Paste. Pit Paste in lavender is the best natural deodorant.

I was looking at facebook and scrolled past an ad to win a wine tasting trip with Jennifer Lawrence. Jennifer Lawrence: I used to like her but now I hate her*!

I was looking at facebook and so many of my friends complain about getting harassed when they walk down the street. And literally you guys, I like, never get harassed! Like why aren’t I hot enough to get harassed? Haha just kidding I get harassed ALL the time ;)

I was looking at facebook and found out that Chuck Berry had died, and I’ve always loved Back to the Future, so I posted a video of his music on my feed. Then the internet came out of my computer, and made me sit in the bathtub while cold water rained down on me from the shower-head. “Do you know that music likes to pee on you?!” I said, “Oh, I didn’t know-” “FUCK YOU!!!!”

I was looking at facebook and saw a picture posted by my ex-lover of his new girlfriend eating a cheeseburger, and then in the caption he put the emoji face with the heart eyes. And I’m like, “c’mon! I like cheeseburgers too ya know!!” And then I threw up.

I was looking at facebook at a picture I really like of myself, and then my mom commented on it and I got embarrassed and I took it down.

I was looking at facebook and came across some pictures of two of my co-workers. They met less than a year ago and now she is pregnant and they are engaged and the wedding is in two weeks. They eat lunch in the office together every day and I see them commute together in the morning and evening because we ride the same train. I wonder what it’s like to live in such close proximity to the same person all day every day.
UPDATE: THEY HAVE BOTH BEEN FIRED!!

I was looking at facebook on my friends’ account so I could see the profile of someone who blocked me and I feel completely vindicated for that time I publicly humiliated them because they are clearly so comfortable publicly humiliating themselves on the internet on a daily basis. JK JK! I live in a constant state of shame for how I handled my emotions, and I feel a lot of guilt over the demise of our friendship.

I was looking at facebook because it was my birthday. 87 friends posted on my wall, but you know, honestly? That kind of stuff doesn’t matter so much anymore. Now that I’m thirty I don’t worry about anything! I finally feel free from all of that baggage from my twenties. I take care of myself. I have a dog. I run in the morning. I eat seasonal fruit. I have salads for lunch. I do 15 pushups every day. I don’t even drink that much anymore. When I look back at myself in my twenties, I can’t believe how scattered and disorganized I was. Now that I’m thirty I am able to budget my time so that I have time! It’s so important to budget your time to live in the moment. Living in the present allows me the freedom from dissecting my past regrets. I have also finally let go of all the foolish goals I set for myself in my younger days. I can now truly accept myself for who I am and not pine for the me I wish I was. I don’t even want to get married anymore! I am a modern woman, and I don’t need to be chained in by the patriarchal concept of marriage and support and unconditional love! I love myself! You don’t even need anybody else in your life as long as you love yourself. And that’s what I’ve learned since turning thirty- I am my own soulmate, and I live each day with my heart open for me. It’s not open for anyone else, because now that I’m thirty I know that only I am capable of not taking advantage of myself. It feels so good to finally have it all figured out.

I was looking at facebook and scrolled past a headline about how Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney transplant so that Selena wouldn’t die. Selena Gomez: I used to like her but now I hate her*!

I was looking at facebook and someone posted a video of Hillary during the campaign of 2016 speaking on the ill-effects of hate speech, because what she was saying in the video had come to pass in the present Trump presidency. I looked down at the comments, and everyone was like, “GET BACK IN YOUR HOLE, you stupid BITCH!!!!!!!” And the unadulterated anger made me laugh, and I told my mom about it and she got very sad and cried a little.

I was looking at facebook and I disagreed with someone’s opinion that they stated as a fact and then I judged them in my mind and then I almost called them out on their feed and then I almost unfriended them and then I told a friend in real life about it and they were bored with the story so we changed the subject and then we had a good time together.

*I don’t actually hate Jennifer Lawrence or Selena Gomez.