this week on Otter Royals: a retrospective horoscope-July

sometimes the veil is lifted and you glimpse the chaotic scary pieces of the world and can see they are not pieces at all, it's the darn whole thing is up at itself. you have collected a nice gathering of people about you in your life and you forget that everyone else is bonkos cray. There is nothing keeping you from the edge, there is no edge. And it's not that you're flying out spinning out of control, it's that everything is actually very heavy and vibrant and steeped in highbrow smutty indifference. Put your shades back on and wrap yourself in the comfort of the armor you've made to trick yourself into seeing the world you want to see, because otherwise you might go crazy little girl.

tom toms chare cheresayz and chizzies

it's hot out kiddo sometimes yor hungo but fo wut? make a bunch a stuffs to nibs awn. want grits chizzay but got no grittles? break out yor string o pearls cous! mix thyme and lem-skin in your butter in there with some shredded chedda, all roly poly in the pearls.

but yor not satisfied good thing it's tom tom season! o'live oilz some toasty sor-dough and slice on some angel chizzay of the angells anjulls anjowls. toppers wit your toms.

but its like too much savory, time for frutes and choco milk. grab the bag and munch slurp gomf chrumo mampf klup gloups schlock guk its hot

cap-raiz-ay all day

artscape is here. take comfort in the 69 stairs you climb to your apartment. they will deliver you from the froth below.

i was in my room laying on my bed in my underwear, trying to cool it, when the biggest effing hornet type insect i or you have ever begotten with eyes made his way into my room. it was so big you guys, i mean it was as long as my thumb, and it kept buzzing against the window, and wiggling his pointy butt around, and i had a horrible thought that he was going to spew out a colony from it's butt that would live right on my window- AAAAAHHHHHH!!! so what i did was first i closed my curtains so i couldn't see him and said a prayer that he would find the open window and buzz off- get it? hahahaha!! but he did not buzz off, so i took to the internet to identify this terrifying creature. and it wasn't a he it was a SHE! And she is known as a sphecius speciosus or a cicada killer, known for eating cicadas in mid air, in flight, as they are FLYING for god's sake. but they are known to be gentle with humans- what!?- and even on their wikipedia page a photograph shows someone's own human hand holding them like little precious jewels. so i got some courage in me and caught her in a glass and covered the glass with my checkbook, took her to the window, and she flew like the wind, and i watched her fly around for a while because goddammit is that a big bug, I mean i could see her flying from very far away, god and yuck.

also, don't stop eating caprese until artscape is over.

This Week on Otter Royals..

Some days go by and embarrassing memories continuously jettison up your spinal cord directly into your brain jam and your limbs give a collective shudder. The best way to slam those flights of shame back into the cavity hole of your existence is to make a funny sound and forgettaboutit. I've sampled some below, but feel free to come up with your own shame slammers!

bed-in BBcue

take the time to promote world peace and participate amongst your covers with this delish BBcue melt sammy. fetch your chick from yor store of tupps.

throw a toasty woasty party in the mini baker! Toast the chick-i-wick with some provalone queso on foil, and toast the bred to off coarse. assemble this little friend, and you've got a new buddy to go to bed wit!

t for a sor throte

maybe yor core sensorini is blasted and your tombstone is reading 101 degrees in the headspace, and coles are raked in your tongue-zone, well guess what lil muffin? YOR SICKO!!! firts you must try try try to cure oneself with ones own munity system. luckily yor mom teeches book learnin to a native south american lady who will swares this tea will trick you into the kingdom of being well in the world.

take some lem lem juice
some chippity chop garlic
hunny
hot water

steeeeeeep all together as one and just keep drinkin em all day long. Hten- go to the good doc and get amoxicillin because you have a bacterial infection in your throte. POOF! all better!