this week on Otter Royals...

as you gaze out your window with the thoughts of your fantasy swirling around in your head you remind yourself that this is your mind and the fantasy can go to a very dark place. Maybe what you saw is a gang of men who are familiar to you in real life but in your dreamy state they start doing terrible things to you with the man from the sea, as you grope blindly in the darkness, and the floor turns into the kind of fine muddy sediment you might find at the bottom of a pond, and your face is half choking in the softness, and everyone is laughing at your panicked naked body. Or maybe that thing you saw outside the window was a cool jaguar or even just your common north american bobcat, and you go and get a really good look and it licks your hand and it feels just like the sand papery tongue that belonged to your childhood cat, and it's a special interaction since they're such secretive creatures, and then you and the man from the ocean makeout like crazy in front of the fire for a while reveling in each other and the beautiful piece of life you saw outside your island paradise. It's important to remember that you have choices.

bikini body brownies

shooger! buttah! eggos! chocol'a! walnutters! they are having a sexy love affair! bake. put on your bikini and chow downtown!

update! tread lightly because these little fuckers are so fucking good and you will be mad as a wind fucker when you forget to take one to your fucking job-life-fuckity fuuuuuuuuccccckKKckkckckkck. also time is this bad bitches friend, the longer they exist the better they taste, true story swear to god

Otter Royals continued...

just as you are starting to get cozy by the fire with your new boyfriend, thunder rumbles in the distance. he guides you inland to a really great cabin. It has everything! a fireplace, a faux fur animal rug in front of the fireplace, a skylight above the rug, and speakers in every room that you can control with just one device! But at this moment, the rain comes pouring out of the sky and pounds on the roof depriving you of nuanced auditory sensations. you look into your new boyfriends' eyes in that sleepy sexy way, but wait! something just darted past the window! what the fuck is that! goddammit, I mean where even are you? are you all alone? is this man a real man? are you a real woman? find out next time! on Otter Royals....

D EC ON STR U CTE D BLTasty

when you want to bring your bltasty to work but you don't want it to go soggers like wussy pudders, it's DECONSTRUXTION TIMEz, areyouready? plan ahead! toast your bread and wrap it in foil! put mayo in a travel rammekiiiiinn. pre slice toms toms! pre cook your bacon! I cooked a whole package of bacon yuUUUUUmmm!! place accordingly in the appropriate travel container. when you get hungo in the tumbo-assemmmmbbbooooWWwllll!!!

after school snack-a-doo for queens, princessas, and otter royals

slice avocado, brie, and salami. put them on a plate with cherries. look longingly out of your window. remember all of the lovers. idealize your dream hunk. now you're walking in a field. there are daisies everywhere. palm trees sway on the horizon. oh hello, you're riding on a horse! on the beach! the man emerges from the water! he has built a fire! he has a bento box filled with charcuterie, soft cheeses, and fruit! uh oh you're dead. i mean you're not dead you just have to go to work now. buh byyyyYYyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

The "some things fishy whole baked fish"

at the fine grocers have your man cut a fishy butterfly boners in. at the homeystead heat oven baker to read 4-0-0 dungarees. pour some O'live oilZ in a pan and rub a dub your fishy in the oilZ. chippity choppity gahlic y oreganinos and tuck those bitties all up inside the lovely little fishy. slice some lem and put those sunshine circles in the fishy. throw a few tom toms in the pan with your fishy for a toasty roasty treat. he'll cookers bout 15 minnies. just like the mc'chizzay: sweat sweat some chopped onions and gahlic with a hunker butters y O'live oilZ, low heat. rins-a-roni some kale-kale and hook them up with they sweaty unions. they will make love, shield the eyes of your child. when the kale will turn bright bright green, and it is doneskies! arrange fish to your desired look.

breakfast mc'chizzAY for dinner

this is a big one ya'll. it involves a french emulsifier teqneeke. ALSO it is teqnikally penne and chizzay since I don't truck with those macaroni nooodleronies. so numero one boil your wooter, and when it's bubblin time throw in a boatload of saltZ salty like the seacean, mmKay? melt a hunk o' butterZ in with some chooped garlic clovers. pour in a cup of milk with some spoon hunks of flour and whisky whiskers until it's thick. then dumperoo some cheeezies in there, I used parmezan and mont-rey rey jackOla. stir stir stir. maybe crop dust with some cayenne peppies- ZING! NEXT sweat sweat some chopped onions with another hunker butters, maybe some O'live oilZ toozers. toss in some kale and sweat those lovebirds until kale is hULKster green-bean time! maybe the penne is cookerooed, strain it out and mix everything together. boil some more wooter, and when it's all boiled up toiling and shit crack an eggo in the cauldron. let that blast around for a few mins and then scoop on top of your mc'chizzay. it's quittin time folks!

lemon garlic popcorn

You pop the popcorn on the stove with coke-nut oilZ. Then after it's all slammajammad you set it in a bowl and melt a hunk o butters with some lem lem zest. Like one lem. Seazun with gahlick saltzsss. Bingo boingo I'm at your door to eat sum poppin corns yumma yumma ding dong y'all!

whiskee soar

go to the liq liqqa store. the liq store is crayKlosed earlybird bc your city is grounded. what do you have on hand? life gives lems make whiskee soars! at home locate the old grandaddy whiskee your dear old amigo Park left behind. squuze some lem lems. boil sug into wooter and combine with your citrus. put ice in a glass. put whiskee over ice. put lem -lem aid on top. drink. lights out.

qlassiq grill chiizAY

sometimes you want to eat something melty. melt butter on skillet. rub both sides of two slices of bread all around the melted butter. melt more butter on the pan. put a piece of buttered bread on the melted butter. put two slices of american cheese on the bread, then put bread on top of cheese. use a lid to smash down the sammy and trap the heat for maximum melty action. when golden on the bottom flipperoo the sammy, and continue smothering it down with the lid. once you see the cheese is at goo level 10, put on a plate. salt this beast. get it inside your face as quick as you can to experience highest quality melt-force.