DON'T PANIC CHICKEN

Making the decision to consciously take in more protein on a daily basis is one of the most important decisions a young lady can make, and the chicken is a beautiful way to sustain a protein habit for many days indeed. Perhaps you have a growing insecurity because of a gushing financial bleed, or maybe you have a yearning to galavant around town with friends 700 miles away; no matter the force that calls you, a chicken serves as a marvelous companion in times of self doubt.

this week on Otter Royals: apple tart again and again until you get a job it right

fuck bath product stores
fuck establishments of higher education
fuck property management companies
fuck actuarial recruiters
fuck italian hair salons
fuck e-commerce marketplaces

and fuck doctors and fuck street photographers

fuck carpenter/bartenders and fuck bass players

because one day you'll look back on all of this and laugh HAHAHAHAhahahahaHAHAHAhahah it's so fucking funny!

living well: how to somehow wind up at the after party of your high school reunion

1. Drive back from Philadelphia with your dad who roped you into going to the wedding of the daughter of one of his racquetball buddies, conveniently allowing you to miss the proper reunion.
2. Receive a text from your oldest friend, she tells you to come into town and say hi.
3. Arrive at exactly midnight. As you walk down the street bump into another old friend who you went to prom with, but who you didn't dance with at the time, because he was hooking up with another boy's girlfriend and kind of grinding up on her the whole night, but who also you made out with sort of recently. Bump into him, and another girl from high school that you never knew at all. Then you can walk together down the street to another place where more people you used to know are.
4. Find your oldest friend smoking outside of the bar with more boys that all hold you in kind of a high regard. Exchange weird elbow high fives, and bum a cigarette, and experience time travel.
5. Wait in line for the bathroom. The boy who loved you in high school, who was also your dear close friend in high school and beyond for a while, who you fooled around with a couple of times sort of recently, comes out of the men's room and you are so relieved to see him and you hug, but then he doesn't really talk to you the rest of the night which is sad, but you get it, sort of.
6. Most parties were at Ben's house in high school. Tonight he has a hotel room for some reason, and everyone goes there, so you go too.
7. Looking at an old photo album that Ben brought, the boys discuss whether or not Michelle's boobs were/are big. The boy who is kind of not paying attention to you, sees a photo of a popular girl and declares how badly he wanted to fuck her back in the day. Your prom date and the girl are kind of making out on the floor, her hand resting on the inseams of his pants. Remember that you are not the right kind of pretty.
8. Look at a picture of you with your ex-boyfriend with his ex-girlfriend from before you were in a relationship with him and the three of you were all friends.
9. Realize that you are at this moment in this hotel room, the exact same person as you were when when you were in Ben's basement in 2005. Silently judging some drunk girl crawling around on the floor. Hearing and laughing at everyone's little jokes so they know you're paying attention. Wanting to be equal to the boys. Wanting to fuck the boys. Pretending you didn't want to fuck them. Knowing how it would all end if you stayed up drinking with these people in this hotel room.
10. You weren't that great at high school and you're not that great at life, but after ten years you know when it's time to go home.

everything I eat is beige, or at least like a yellow earth tone, or in the spectrum of orange

lefovert olio y olio past and salm! cokked this one with spicy peps and garlic.

this tart is da BOMB. I got it from Ina. Use a mandollin otherwise be careful you'll lose some fings.

mac and shizzay ya'LLLLlllll. This is Amy Sedaris's rescipe and it comes with a disclaimer so make sure your ticker is tip top or steer cleer.

you can't see it but what this is is an egg on some zucchini bread. it was OK.

olio y olio past you guys! this is also shown earlier as leftoverz. so lez see. boyl the noods. cook down some garlic in O'liv oilz and then add some hot peppies. dont let the garlic burn, just ligtly gold, and then add in some starchy wa wa from the noodlerz. cook down a few minnies. add the past. add parm. salzzzzzz. it's so effing good, perf midnight snackadoo.

it's poppin corns is back! this time I put some hot peppies in the hunk o butterz. seazun with gahlic salZ. kinda the popcorn ver-z-ee-own of that pASHstaaaaaaaa. delish-o-mundo rundo.

<3 omelettes <3
Poca uova gran fiamma seconda. – Dante

Sonnet 65:

Since shellsters, nor yolks, nor whities, nor boundless hen
But sad mortality o’er-sways hunk o' butters,
How with this rage shall beauty hold an eggo,
Whose action is no stronger than a whisk?
O, how shall summer’s huevito breath hold out
Against the wrackful siege of cracklin' eggos,
When rocks impregnable are not so stout,
Nor gates of steel so strong, but time decays?
O fearful meditation! where, alack,
Shall time’s best yolk from time’s shell lie hid?
Or what strong eggy can hold his swift scrambly back?
Or who his silk of eggos can forbid?
O, none, unless this miracle have might,
That in sunny yolk my love may still shine bright.

Caesar Salad

Remember the time you were just kind of skating by, working a number of part time jobs, hooking up with a lot of 23 year olds, and eating ceasar salad every day? maybe try and get back to that! because if we're really being honest with each other, there is nothing better than visiting the SPCA adoption site, reading celebrity gossip, and curating your facebook page for hours. Don't forget to pay the rent.

Hall and Days Saws 4or awl phood OK-shins

on a hang over day wakey wakey it can be so hard. ok there's only 2 eggs in the cold closet, don't panic you can make this work because you are a budding ingenue in this prickly life. separate the yolks from the whites of those eggs. in with the yolks in the pan goes a spash of vinegar and a splash of lem juice. ok you also need warm butter, likke butter that's been sitting out, but your butter is cold from the cold closet! again don't panic. do you have a hammer? I have three hammers. hammer the butter, this will make it soft and therefore usable for this dish. cut the butter into chunks to get ready for the wisk. ok pan with yolks and other stuff is on the low heat, and you are wisking it. Once it starts to be thick add in hunks-a butter one hunko at a time as it melts and you wisk. it will get thick and then when all the butter is used up sprinkle in some cayenne peppies salt and peps for flav. and really you can pour this over anything. I didn't have much so I made some toast, cooked of the egg whites and poured it over that, but really this sauce tastes good on just about anything on this green earth.

chizzay brockolinis!

steem thy brockolinis fore t10 minnies ore sew, until yore forkspear spins in smooth to the stawk. meen wyle wisky up a roux with some butters and flower. when its turning thick add some warm milk and wisk wisk until turning thick more. then add some grated chizzay like cheddar or sum Good God Gouda! maybe add in sum cayenne peppies, black peppies, and salt sprinklies! then pore it all over the brock.

lem lem noodles

you know that mitch hedberg joke fettuccini alfredo is mac and cheese for adults well lem lem noodles is mac and cheese for adults who had to wait five days for their stove to be turnt on. boil the noodles of your choise. we wanted mini bow ties so that's what we got. after the nurdles are ready, take a bitty bot of the boilwuter in a cup to the side. Strain the bows and then coat with a hunk o butters and a little of the starchy wa wa to make nice on the pahst. then whiskers up a bowl with some egg yolkels, crema, parmsan, chippity choppity garlic bits, and zestie lem lem skin. Pour all over the bow tie nurdles. toppers with a choise of yore herbs, like parsely o oregano, or literally anything! anything you want, they're nurdles of yore after all.

Nigella Lawson makes sexy linguine.

root beer floaties

sometimes business store managers don't prioritize root beer as they should and foolishly leave it un-refrigerated in the aisles of their retail location. if you need to cool down your root beer fast because your float craving has reached ravenous limits, don't panic. simply place several ice cubes in a cup and add the soda. then strain into another vessel to avoid a watered down flavor. add vanilla ice cream.

toast from France, just like the French do it

heat your skillet and melt some buuters in there while you give your sore dough bread a bath in some milky eggos til they go soggers. add the eggo bredskies to the hot skilly and flip wants its goldy oldies. den when it''s cooked up and crisps add it to your plate and cut into monster bite side piecies. this allows for maxiumum soak of the maypole seerp, which you will now apply atop your frenched toast.

red snapper

what a bute the red snaps is in the eye of the beholden. no man shall reject this pink shade upon his plate for it is mothwatering flow of happiness on the fork. ease of brain to cook. this friend is stuffed with lemon and onion, maybe some other stuff I cant recaw. oven baker to 4-hundo. 12 minnies or so.

this week on Otter Royals: a retrospective horoscope-July

sometimes the veil is lifted and you glimpse the chaotic scary pieces of the world and can see they are not pieces at all, it's the darn whole thing is up at itself. you have collected a nice gathering of people about you in your life and you forget that everyone else is bonkos cray. There is nothing keeping you from the edge, there is no edge. And it's not that you're flying out spinning out of control, it's that everything is actually very heavy and vibrant and steeped in highbrow smutty indifference. Put your shades back on and wrap yourself in the comfort of the armor you've made to trick yourself into seeing the world you want to see, because otherwise you might go crazy little girl.

tom toms chare cheresayz and chizzies

it's hot out kiddo sometimes yor hungo but fo wut? make a bunch a stuffs to nibs awn. want grits chizzay but got no grittles? break out yor string o pearls cous! mix thyme and lem-skin in your butter in there with some shredded chedda, all roly poly in the pearls.

but yor not satisfied good thing it's tom tom season! o'live oilz some toasty sor-dough and slice on some angel chizzay of the angells anjulls anjowls. toppers wit your toms.

but its like too much savory, time for frutes and choco milk. grab the bag and munch slurp gomf chrumo mampf klup gloups schlock guk its hot

cap-raiz-ay all day

artscape is here. take comfort in the 69 stairs you climb to your apartment. they will deliver you from the froth below.

i was in my room laying on my bed in my underwear, trying to cool it, when the biggest effing hornet type insect i or you have ever begotten with eyes made his way into my room. it was so big you guys, i mean it was as long as my thumb, and it kept buzzing against the window, and wiggling his pointy butt around, and i had a horrible thought that he was going to spew out a colony from it's butt that would live right on my window- AAAAAHHHHHH!!! so what i did was first i closed my curtains so i couldn't see him and said a prayer that he would find the open window and buzz off- get it? hahahaha!! but he did not buzz off, so i took to the internet to identify this terrifying creature. and it wasn't a he it was a SHE! And she is known as a sphecius speciosus or a cicada killer, known for eating cicadas in mid air, in flight, as they are FLYING for god's sake. but they are known to be gentle with humans- what!?- and even on their wikipedia page a photograph shows someone's own human hand holding them like little precious jewels. so i got some courage in me and caught her in a glass and covered the glass with my checkbook, took her to the window, and she flew like the wind, and i watched her fly around for a while because goddammit is that a big bug, I mean i could see her flying from very far away, god and yuck.

also, don't stop eating caprese until artscape is over.

This Week on Otter Royals..

Some days go by and embarrassing memories continuously jettison up your spinal cord directly into your brain jam and your limbs give a collective shudder. The best way to slam those flights of shame back into the cavity hole of your existence is to make a funny sound and forgettaboutit. I've sampled some below, but feel free to come up with your own shame slammers!

bed-in BBcue

take the time to promote world peace and participate amongst your covers with this delish BBcue melt sammy. fetch your chick from yor store of tupps.

throw a toasty woasty party in the mini baker! Toast the chick-i-wick with some provalone queso on foil, and toast the bred to off coarse. assemble this little friend, and you've got a new buddy to go to bed wit!

t for a sor throte

maybe yor core sensorini is blasted and your tombstone is reading 101 degrees in the headspace, and coles are raked in your tongue-zone, well guess what lil muffin? YOR SICKO!!! firts you must try try try to cure oneself with ones own munity system. luckily yor mom teeches book learnin to a native south american lady who will swares this tea will trick you into the kingdom of being well in the world.

take some lem lem juice
some chippity chop garlic
hunny
hot water

steeeeeeep all together as one and just keep drinkin em all day long. Hten- go to the good doc and get amoxicillin because you have a bacterial infection in your throte. POOF! all better!

home for the weekend

or how to retreat to the suburbs.

big boy: First thing when you get home to your parent's house is to re-create your brother's signature cocktail, the Big Boy. It's imperative that it comes in a very specific beveled beer mug (shown below). Fill the vessel with ice. Pour in your vodka. I'd say up to the middle of the second bevel. Add seltzer water up to the 3rd bevel. Splash in some grapefruit juice, or a lime. There you go Big Boy.

fishies besties

little known fact is tillops and chinookers are besties fishies friendZ. I keep them huddled in this leek pile, and drizzled over orange tangerang sauce. lip smack yum!

ingrates 4 tangerang saucers

3 fresh squeezed citrus bombs
1/2 cup dry vino blank

simma til it goos down, pour over everything you ever eat until the end of timeZzzz!!!!!

caw! your friends over cawleyflower

in the skilly fry fry the cawley in a hint of olly oilZ until slightly burnies. in the food professor spinner go some gahlicky roast peppies and two hunkos of tofutties. mix round in the skilly with some saltZ y peppos. yum you guys, serious yummos.

strawberry rhubarb pie

Going strong about 3 Big Boys in I mean you weren't going to leave without having dessert, and you even made your own crust, also with vodka because science, specifically that alcohol evaporates, so if you use too much liquid your crust will still turn out light and flaky, and because you listen to a lot of npr, specifically this one time around Thanksgiving when they featured that woman with the heavy voice talking about all the different meats, she really emphasized the "-Ts" the meaTs, you know? and now you're juicing oranges, and mixing the fruits with the sugar and the juice, and the pie crust seems delicate, it was easier than you thought it would be to make, and you plop everything in the pan, and lattice the dough, it falls apart a little so you pinch it back together like the pros do, you're definitely not going to drive an hour and pay 10$ in tolls after you bake this pie to see your old friend/fling whatever there's no language for people anymore these days, you're definitely going to stay home and watch some tv on your parent's couch, definitely not going to smoke cigarettes on his front porch, because you quit smoking, and you have a really strong will, you're just going to stay right here and fall asleep in your bed, maybe kind of lonely, but you'll be just fine, you're definitely not a crazy person who needs to be around people all the time, definitely not going to get to your friends' house, have a chit chat and then tell him you don't want to sleep with him that you're just a crazy lonely person who wants to feel validated, you're not going to turn him down, and then scoot right back around and drive home, and you're definitely not going to contemplate that you've constructed a pattern here, or let the irony that you hate being alone yet couldn't be more single, single for so long, on your own, why why why, everyone seems to have it together and everyone is together kissing and fucking and making babies together all day and all night, well you just refuse to settle, but all of those settling folks seem mighty happy, especially at this hour, I mean you're definitely not letting that come into your little brain you're just going to stay right here at home fall asleep before the sun comes up, not gonna watch the light change, not gonna drink one more Big Boy on the deck, watching all the green textures appear from the darkness, you'll be fast asleep, tucked in safe and sound, you're ok you know you are ok you aRE OK.

veggy boigas

ingrates:

1 small fri sweetums tot
1/4 cup dry quinies
1/4 cup dry bar bar oatey dotes
15-ouncers canno chickadee beenz
2 tabl-a-spoons paisley taster
1 teaspoon cayenne peppies
1 or 2 coupla dashers Mamoun's zippy hots
1 1/2 teaspoon cummin
1/2 teaspoon sal sal
1/2 teaspoon peppies
2 tabl-a-spoons flowers
2 tabl-a-spoons O'live oilz
1 fresh red peppies

sometimes when I'm shopping in the store I find an exotic delicacy and this time it was the majestic Okinawan Sweetums Tot. so I nabbed that small fri in my bin and procured all the other little tasties for my boigas. I cooked the tot in the oven baker and then just kind of forgot about it in my fridge for coupla 2 tree days, until I ran out of frozen pizza and needed to cook something.

so then you cook down your quinies and your oatey dotes until they're fluffin mcguffined, just kind of set them in a bowl somewhere in the expanse of your kitchen. likewise cook down those red peppies in your oven baker for ten minnies so they get nice and roasty.

in the food professor you got your sweetums, your chickadees, your paislies, your 1-2-3fecta peppies. You got your zippy hots, your cumin seeds, your sal sal, the flouw, and the O'live oilz. the food professor goes nom nom nom roundy poundy, it's all mixed up. combine with the grains in a bowl with a spatula.

if you're like me and you chose to purchase the most giant Okinawan Tot, your patties are gon be all soggers. so I mixed in some panko and that helped. live and learn ok, no bodies perf.

ok so then fri fri up in your pan golden toasty style!

*original recipe from Pop Sugar

this week on Otter Royals: a retrospective horoscope-The May Edition

your ego is running wild this month, virgo. the empowered feeling you have is a selfish illusion. you know you are being careless. it feels good to be selfish. you're probably a terrible person, but it's only because you don't know how to set boundaries. you know it's time to build a wall but the beastly parts of you are ravenous to see what will rise to meet you down the road. go ahead, eat your fucking ice cream. you'll learn.

pinterested southwest salad

make this salad and bring it to work. order take out instead of eating it.

dress de avocado

in the food professor mix avocado, O'live oilz, a hand tear of cilantro, jugo de lime, y gahlic clovers. hit spinner go round. genmanly pour into container, be careful it's chunkers, so put a catch plate under to eliminate waste, you know sustainability ever hear of it? I mean the goddamn Baiji Dolphins are extinct, do your fuckin' part!

salmon salad surprise!: an homage to Ollie Hopnoodle

make a sandwich with salmon, radish, lem dilly craym chaizies, and lettuce on sourdough toasties. throw a temper tantrum and throw it in the street. you've done it!